Three Rules of Parenting
I don't know everything, but let me share what I do
I've been a mom for 27 years.
My three kids are some of the kindest, most helpful, polite and compassionate children out there. Did I do something miraculous? Hardly.
My parenting skills came from two places:
Wanting to be better than my parents
Lots of trial and error
I wandered into parenthood like a lot of folks from Gen X with no skills but a laundry list of what not to do. And I’ll admit that how I raised ElderSpawn (27) and Chef (25) is worlds different from how Hubs and I are raising DemonKyst (13). Mainly because of all the trial and error I went through with the first two. Not to mention we had no clue what autism was back then.
And over the almost three decades of parenting, everything I’ve learned can be boiled down to three things:
Love Unconditionally
Loving your kids is the baseline. They didn’t ask to be brought into this world, and despite our societal weirdness to treat them like little adults, we tend to demand a higher emotional control than we exhibit ourselves.
This unconditional love does not mean you have to love everything they do. Doesn't mean you can't get angry or upset. Just means you love them anyway.
In our house, we say, "I will always love you, but I don't have to always like what you’re doing/have done." It's incredibly freeing for everyone involved. Especially the kids, since they're not going to like you all the time either. Knowing they can express that dislike while also knowing they will still be loved is powerful.
Not only does it build better lines of communication, it cultivates trust. This is how you create parent-child relationship where they can, say, call you while underage drinking at a friend’s party to be picked up without worry.
And yes, we say it outloud!
Listen
Kids want to be able to talk to their parents, but oftentimes don’t after too many times when they feel dismissed, ignored or have their concerns trivialized. When they feel like they’re being heart, even when we the parent think they’re wrong, they will come to us more often.
They’re better for it. Hell, we’re better for it, too.
Here are some hard and fast rules for engagement:
Ask if they need to vent or want help to solve the problem.
Do not interrupt them.
Actually listen instead of thinking up your counterargument or rebuttal.
Ask them how they feel about what they’re telling you.
Assume nothing. Every kid is different, as is the environment they’re growing up in. Just bc something worked/didn’t work back when you were a kid doesn’t mean it’s applicable to theirs.
Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, and if we want them to be good people, we need to give them credit where credit is due.
This does not mean you have to agree with what they say, or give in. But giving them a voice will help them use that voice in the future.
Model Good Behavior
Most of a child’s behavior is mimicry of what they see at home. So, yes, that means what you do will affect them. And more importantly, how they interact with the rest of the world.
Want a polite kid? Then be polite. Say 'please' and 'thank you'. To strangers and family. Especially to your kids. Encourage them to also do so, and give them praise when they get it right (and a reminder when they don’t or forget).
Show them that you can show compassion. To them. To your spouse/partner. To waitstaff and cashiers. To people who accidentally wrong you. To people who purposefully wrong you.
Don't talk badly about people's appearances, especially not your own. Because they will absorb that, too. And if they look like you, what are you telling them with your negative words?
This also means revamping how you talk about being healthy, instead of thin. Preventing an eating disorder or body dysmorphia is good! And don’t encourage dieting, but healthy lifestyle changes for the whole family (food allergies aside).
Stand up to people to show your kids that status quo doesn’t always mean the right thing. Teach them how to do their own research, instead of just accepting everything as fact. Even from you.
When you screw up, and you will, apologize genuinely. Teach them this valuable skill, so they understand that not all interactions are about winners and losers, but about respect.
I think you get my point.
I hope this gave you some food for thought. If you want to read more articles like this, please follow this account, so you never miss out!