The Scary Big C
When recurring dreams hit too close to home
The Dream
For as far back as I can remember, I dreamt about getting cancer. And the dream was always the same:
A bald man opens the door to a softly-lit room. Late afternoon sunshine drifts through the sheer curtain billowing from the open window, casting the space in a yellow glow. The air smells like impending rain. But that’s not important.
Inside lay the telltale trappings of at-home care: machine, hospital bed, a plastic bin of medicine, and even one of those fancy bedside table water carafes. You know, the ones where the lid is actually the cup? Yes, one of those.
He says my name, and the woman in the bed turns her scarf-wrapped head. Her body follows slowly after, as a smile curves beneath tired brown eyes. He crosses the room and sits in the recliner next to the bed.
She reaches out, and he brings her hand up to his lips for a kiss.
“How are you feeling today?”
She waves him off with her free hand. “I’m still alive, so that’s good, right?”
He nods, but his eyes brighten with tears he quickly blinks away.
But she’s seen them and squeezes his hand in hers. “Tell me about the weather.”
And the dream disappaits into their small talk.
Every. Single. Time.
And every single time, I wake up in tears.
The Point
The last time I had this dream was in 2020, after a pap smear came back abnormal. But the fear was quickly quashed by positive results from the biopsy. So, yay!
Last October, my pap came back fine, but my FNP was concerned that the spots she had seen during the exam were still there. So, she scheduled another exam with the doctor.
He didn’t seem concerned at first, but as the exam got underway, he went from ‘we probably won’t need a biopsy’ to sending his assistant out to get everything prepped for one. That came back with precancerous cells.
He wanted to see me in six months for a follow-up.
The good thing is that precancerous cells usually resolve themselves and go away.
The Bad Thing
Six months is April.
Over the last couple of weeks, I have been experiencing some cramping. It’s been increasing in frequency and intensity over the last week. Monday and Tuesday, it stopped me in my tracks.
Also, I have been having intermittent bleeding, sometimes after intense sex, sometimes after just having a stressful bowel movement. I haven’t had a period since I started MyFembree last August. And while unusual bleeding is a side effect, it didn’t start until about a month ago.
I’ve gained a ton of weight since August, hovering right around 240lbs. Granted, some of that is due to my degenerative disc disease that keeps me from being able to walk more than ten minutes without intense, breath-stealing pain. But this is the biggest I’ve been in my entire life.
And I’m exhausted. My sleeping meds aren’t helping. Pot isn’t either. My pain is cutting through it all and waking me up. Even when I overmedicate, like I did last night, I am just bone weary tired.
I made the mistake of looking up symptoms of cervical cancer Sunday night at 2am while high AF on pot, and yeah, a lot of these things check off boxes.
Now What?
My sister’s voice in my head while staring at my phone on the toilet is the only reason I stopped reading and went back to bed that night. When the pain kicked my ass on Monday and Tuesday, I called my gynocologist’s office to leave a message.
I love my gynecologist’s office. They got the message to my FNP, and within an hour, I got a call to schedule me for an ultrasound to see what’s going on.
Ultrasound will be on April 4th.
Follow-up Appt will be on April 21st.
Then we go from there.
It’s probably nothing. It’s most likely nothing at all.
A Bit of Hope
I never die in the dream. I have a separate dream showing me outliving everyone I love. So, there’s that.
Plus cervical cancer has a great survival rate, and I’ll even get them to yeet my uterus, as part of the treatment, if I do have cancer.
To my credit, I’m not freaking out right now. Ah, maturity…
So until then we know something concrete, we wait. I suck at waiting, but that part is wholly out of my hands now.
Thank you for listening. I’ll keep you in the loop.
So many positive thoughts coming your way. Hugs.
I get it 🫶