Redefining Happiness

Did you know it's an ongoing process?

I am… I am not having a good mental health day. If I’m honest, 2023 seems like a continuation of my unending personal flaggelation.

If you told me the things that are going on in my head, I would tell you that it’s okay to feel like this, that happiness isn’t a one-and-done process, that like the rest of life is an ever-evolving process. Because the world changes. And you change. Or at least you should.

I feel like I have grown a lot. But I don’t really feel like I’ve made progress, if that makes sense. I sit here watching other people doing things with their lives, and I’m just… what the fuck am I doing?

Yes, I know, one of my primary rules is don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s. That doesn’t make it easier. It doesn’t make the gremlins in my head quiet. And right now, I’m not in a place where I can make the logical jump to balance my current dumpster fire of a brain.

I know I have done things aside from being a mother and a wife. Not that there’s anything wrong with those roles. No, despite any feelings of failure I may have, I believe this is definitely a place where I’ve evolved myself as a person. But aside from those, I have:

• published four books (three are still available),

• reached people through my community service,

• found my groove (I think) in my art,

• run a catering business, and

• so much more…

So, why the day after my 48th birthday, do I feel like a burden? Why do I feel like my existence…

Wait, before I go any further, I want you to know I’m okay. My heart hurts and I feel varying degrees of empty, but I’m okay. Some of the words whirling around in my brain sound like suicidal ideation. They aren’t, but I know the red flags they can throw up for people, so I want to be clear: I am not suicidal. I’m just lost.

I repeat the words I’d say to you like a mantra, but right now, they feel empty, these platitudes, placebos.

Logically, I know it gets better. It always does, but right now, when I got more happy birthday emails from corporations than texts from my friends, when my parents texted me in what felt like an afterthought at the end of the day, when I don’t even have friends here to celebrate over dinner…

Right now, I’m lost. I feel invisible again. I feel like if I disappeared from the face of the earth (or at least social media), the vast majority of people wouldn’t notice. And that’s…

I don’t know how I feel about that beyond everything I’ve already said.

I don’t want you to feel bad for me. I don’t want this to worry you. I want you to know that I am grateful for a place to let out these feelings instead of bottling them up.

So, thank you.