My 11 year old son thinks he is a girl. What do I do?
Still relevant, especially now in these turbulent time
Author Note: I wrote this originally ten years ago for Quora. This version has been updated to reflect the encroaching issues with letting people, especially kids, express who they are without fear of discrimination or retaliation.
There are several trans people in my circle, and with my AuDHD, I am always asking questions and doing research, so my answer may provide insight different and factual information that the random speculating about trans kids will not have.
First, do not tell him that he's not. Ask him instead why he feels like he's a girl. It may be something small, like he really likes pink and has been under the impression that only girls like pink, so if he likes pink, he must be a girl inside.
It may also be something huge. For trans kids, it's an internal thing. They honestly, authentically feel like the opposite gender inside, like their exterior gender is wrong.
I cannot stress this enough: Do not tell them that they're wrong about these innate feelings.
Tell them that you're just as confused as they are, sure, but do not, do not, devalue them. Telling them that they are wrong will do exactly that.
Secondly, consider how this affects you. Seriously. Do you love your kid less? Will you love your kid less if he decides to pursue this? If he grows his hair out, if he asks you to call him 'her'? If your gut instinct is anything other than 'no', then you need to consider reconsidering your reasonings behind this.
Because I think you love your kid. Or you wouldn't have asked. So having said that...
Thirdly, seek counseling for everyone. Not that crappy therapy where they 'fix' him by guilting him into being a boy because of Christian values. But authentic therapy that will help him understand and explore how he feels and wants to move forward, and help you, dear parent, understand how best to support him and yourself, because the haters are going to come and you have a big battle ahead getting him acknowledged as a girl (if that's what he wants).
These are three very broad things, but they are crucial to everyone's mental health and stability. Good luck. And much love.
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