Mondays Suck
Or "I'm trying to ignore them, but my brain gremlins are loud today"
I’m going to be honest: this is a pity party. You’re welcome to not attend. There’s going to be a lot of whining and woe-is-me. I will totally understand if you don’t read on. I appreciate you either way.
Let’s get into it.
Last week I asked one of my contracts if they knew what my workload would look like next month. Their answer? They’ve decided on a different process for their writing, so my editing services were no longer needed. However, if they need me, they’ll let me know.
I’m not upset that they had changed their process. I’m upset because they didn’t have the common courtesy to let me know. That’s $500 a month I’m out now, and a month I could’ve spent looking for another contract.
Adding to that, the contract I was working that paid between $2-3k a month has now eliminated all their contractors but me and capped my monthly pay to $1200.
I just… I feel like I just can’t win.
I am in training for a writing job with CBR.com, who writes lists for many topics. I applied for and was accepted to write for anime. Right up my alley. So what’s the issue? I looked at her list of edits and I about cried. Not sure why, because my writing she liked. The way I worked the content, not so much, but that’s why there are three edits allowed during the training.
But on top of the already awoken gremlins in my brain, I spent yesterday feeling, well, useless.
Oh, and let’s not forget that people love my art, but no one is buying. I don’t even want to do stickers anymore, but I have over 1000 stickers in stock. I feel like it was a waste of time and money to have invested in something that clearly no one wants.
I warned you this was a pity party.
I spent most of yesterday waffling between applying to more freelance jobs and wanting to cry. Oh, and working on math with a stubborn and sarcastic 12 year old.
Yes, yes, I’m well aware of why he’s like this, but could he not be like this with me?
The logical part of my brain can easily explain the why of things:
The contracts are a them issue, not a me issue. If it was a me issue, they would’ve let me go. They didn’t. They just don’t have work (or as much work) for me as they did in the past. I should not count that against me.
New contracts means learning new processes. I’m really good with learning, so once I have it figured out, I will be fine. Plus that work is consistent with a 3-article-per-week requirement.
Art is subjective, and the community that loves mine is a bunch of broke artists. I need to quit equating the worth of my art with the marketability and saleability I associate with it.
I am worthy at my baseline. I am not a failure. I do fail at things, but that happens.
I’m allowed to be upset about things, depressed about how I view things, as long as I don’t stay stuck in my emotional whirlpool.
I got it. I know these things, but right now, I’m kinda deep in this depressive episode.
I’m trying to process this, so bear with me.
Thanks to everyone who checked in on me yesterday.
I’m not okay, but I’ll get there.
Thanks.