Brain Gremlins Feed on Tabs
We Don’t Talk Enough About Untreated ADHD’s Effect on Clinical Depression
If you’ve read my last article, then you know I’ve been off my ADHD medication for a week now.
My Browser Tabs Multiplied Again
Or “How my brain functions when my ADHD meds are backordered.”medium.com
That changes tomorrow.
Thanks to my pharmacist who let me know that, while he didn’t see an incoming shipment of the 27 mg that I take, he did have a good supply of 20 mg. But since it’s a controlled substance, I needed a new script.
So, a second thanks to my primary care who answered my email within an hour and sent in a new script for the 20 mg. My daughter picked it up for me tonight, so I can find a brain tomorrow.
Depression’s Bestie
Unfortunately, at this point, the depressive episode that followed me into 2023 has deep-reaching tendrils fed by the plethora of tabs in my head. And while I cannot hear its mastication, each bite is accompanied by the familiar musical interlude whispering self-deprecation between my ears.
One of the issues we don’t talk about often enough is how depression, anxiety and ADHD play off each other. The trio enjoy reminding me just how worthless I am.
Note: I logically know better, but the lack of meds and full resurgence of my ADHD symptoms — in short, part of my mental management strategy — has made it a real struggle to find the logic while I’m drowning in the emotional toll. I tell you, so you know I’m okay.
My depression had been doing a slow crawl through my brain, but then last Monday, my life took my self-worth and heel-stomped it into a pulp. Why?
One freelance contract has basically ghosted my involvement in the project they hired me to do, but only told me when I directly asked. That’s $500 I’ve lost for the month.
My consistent freelance contract has been given a monthly contractor cap for this year. The problem is that means my $3k monthly pay was now around $1200.
The new contract’s training phase has been so much harder unmedicated, and I felt like I failed as a writer in a subject — anime — that I know extensively.
I’m homeschooling my youngest for his own medical and mental health reasons, but we’d started fighting again —Why is he so stubborn! Oh, wait — so, I feel like a failure of a parent and an educator.
Now, any of these things separately would’ve been fine. Inconvenient? Yes. Annoying? Absolutely.
But mushed together after five days off my meds, it was too much. I was drowning, as I desperately tried to close the tabs in my head.
Have you seen those horror websites that faux takeover your screen and turn into a hot bloody mess? Yeah, that was my brain on Monday.
I have the skill set to survive drops like this, but I couldn’t do it on Monday. The whirlpool of intrusive thoughts in the mouths of those brain gremlins was winning and pulling me under.
Time for a Reminder
What did I need to keep from inhaling all that inner turmoil flooding my head?
Control. But maybe not in the way you’d think.
A neurotypical person might be able to focus and handle the issue. But being neurospicy, this doesn’t work. Forcing myself to focus, er, refocus is detrimental to my mental health. It’s like handing Klondike bars to the gremlins. More stress, more anxiety, more certainty that I am an irredeemable dumpster fire of a person.
Instead, I stopped and had a meeting with myself. I mean, I needed to consult some experts on me, right? We met and agreed that we were about to cross a threshold more dangerous than my perceived threat level. What we needed was a plan
Remember my need for control? For me, that looks like deciding how that fit in the chaos around me.
Things I Can’t Control
Other People’s Actions: The one contracts inability to inform me about the change in process was a reflection of them and their failure to be mature about the situation.
The Supply Chain: I cannot will my meds into existence in my area. But I have a good pharmacy and doctor who can do the things within their power to help me.
Things I Can Control
My Reaction to Others: I reminded myself that my POC at that second company had said in our slack messages that, while this would mean less work for me, I was the only contractor they were keeping on board.
My Ability to Find More Work: I returned to Verblio, sold two articles, and received a request from a past client to write two more. I also applied to several more remote writing and editing positions through Indeed and LinkedIn.
Belief in Myself: That training I was stressing out over? I reread the direction from my trainer, asked questions and worked it out. We’re not done yet, but it makes so much more sense to me. It’s just a new process. And I’m the queen of learning new processes.
Also, I don’t have to do it alone. I actually reached out to my husband and told him that I needed him to tell me that I wasn’t worthless. And with a big hug, he told me I wasn’t worthless.
That helped, just like my therapist said it would. Imagine that.
Trusting My Son: I apologized to my son for pushing him into my process for math, when he has one already. We talked again about how we were a team, and while school isn’t fun for either of us, if we faced it together, we’d get him through it.
So, that’s where I am now.
The ADHD supply train is about to end. My normal, while not neurotypical, will return some semblance of peace. I am forever thankful for the privelege to unravel and restitch my existence back together. And I will continue to remind myself:
I am loving. I am loveable. I am loved. My brain is wired differently, and I am not expected to reach the goals and milestones set for neurotypical people. I wake up worthy of good things. And I don’t have to ever do any of this alone.
What’s your inner mantra when you have a bad day(s)? How does your ADHD paint your life when you’re not medicated?